I always wanted children. My first memory of ever mentioning this was when in the dead of the night we visited my Grandfathers grave in Ghom (Iran). It was a dark dreary evening and I saw 3 men dressed in black carrying a stretcher.
They looked like Dracula with paled faces and skinny as a rake. I couldn't have been more than 3 years of age. I recall bursting out into tears. My father approached me and said "Zahra what is the matter? Why are you crying" As I tried to catch my breath through sobbing there were a few broken words, "I don't want to die now, I want to give birth then die".
When we were in USA, I recall being fascinated by pregnant women from the age of 8.
I loved holding babies until one day something changed. I questioned whether I even wanted children. Was it the trip to the orphanage that had contributed to this? I saw children as old as 12 with shaven heads, in nappies smelling of urine. There were many in a room all in bed leaning over the rails keeping them in.They too were skinny, just skin and bone, long dangly legs. I doubted any of them had ever learned to walk. What an existence!
Should I have one of my own or should I be rescuing a child so that they do not meet to that fate?
When my brother was born 2 years later, I did all I could. I spent time with him outside of my studies, I even changed his nappies. Back then we had no pampers. These were cloth nappies mum had made, no fancy linings that you pick out from the shelf. I learned to fold them and adjust the size as he grew. Those safety pins used to prick my fingers. I still have a memory the first time I changed him on mum and dads bed. He was at the edge with my back to the bathroom. As I tried to push that safety pin, I pricked my finger. It was a tricky knowing what to do next. My finger was bleeding and that would stain the cloth nappy and I knew it was Najes (a form of dirty instructed by Islam) what should I do? Rush to the bathroom to rinse it or suck my finger? After all I had just dealt with a wet nappy which too was Najes!
As time went on, the reality of having a little one sunk in. My little brother was mischievous. often running away. He had down syndrome so there were complications. When he was born he needed a blood transfusion, that is when his condition had come to light. I recall dad walking in to my room telling me the news. He also said don't worry, it does not mean that your children will have this condition. He then told me all about the chromosome abnormalities that take place. That was the start of me being interested in Biology. Prior to that I had shown no interest. I wrote about Khanoom Kooshesh. Perhaps I will upload that sometime. After a series of questioning the meaning of life and death, I had decided there were enough people in the world, Why add more when so many are suffering ?
So that is when I knew I would not have children and my decision was made. I was adamant I would adopt, though my husband wanted one of his own as men often do. We talked about it for ages until one day at the age of 38, I questioned what if he wakes up one day when I am passed having one and takes off with someone else?
I had seen that look in his eye when he saw others holding their child and he was so good with children and so I decided to cave in.
My pregnancy had not been the easiest. First I was pregnant with twins as the result of IVF, one that had worked first time despite us deciding that we would give this 3 attempts.
The chances were very slim, I recall the consultant told me a figure of less than 10%
but my miracle babies were on their way, until we lost one. It never had a heartbeat when we had the 6 week scan so we needed to have that revisited in 2 weeks from then. Knowing the risks of chromosome abnormalities and having trusted the Drs to choose my baby for me, all the interventions that had taken place, I was a nervous wreck.
Always looking for what ifs and buts in the dead of the night and sleeping through the day. Mum and Sister would sometimes break up this monotony by taking me out, the odd day. There were regular hospital and surgery visits until my sister encouraged me to join the NCT when the nurse mentioned it.
That is the first time I questioned my parenting when discussions of baby led versus control and what is best!
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for all the mums: a must see. check this out before taking your kids to the hospital or forcing them to wear mask and lets not even ask why you are considering vaccinating them.
https://smarterqueue.com/video/30328170