Content deleted. Sentences that still ring in my ears when I wake up every morning, the thread that is no more, dread of that cold shoulder awaiting downstairs at 5 am or 6 makes no difference, every morning the same bitter inner voice telling me no we can’t be friends. Ex colleagues at best is how it has to be. See you on linked in!
Good luck with the new job, congrats one your work anniversary. Here’s the recommendation I wrote for you, Hope It fits what you want to do next. No more questions or suggestions. No “How is it going?” No more connections!
It seems we just can’t have that connection you want. No I don’t think you’ve fancied me all those years, but stress brings on entanglement, misconstructions say hello. Endorphins and hormones invite them to uncover the bramble and weeds we suspect there since we last touched base. Intrusions hold hands with boundaries once crossed before. What’s done is done and can’t be undone acting like shortcuts paving its' way. That secret old road, buried so deep, covered with twisted wild growth of vine leaves and stems bearing fruit through time but stress closes your eye to them all. You recklessly attack them all reaching for the weeds. Oh the bramble thorns... Those pings I still blame… If only they hadn’t arrived. Oh I so wish I had it in me to ignore them. My peace is made with them now. A bittersweet past of memories and lessons learnt the hard way. Feeling higher than the clouds. Confusion!
Those looks from across the desks, your sayings and feelings from 20 years ago, I couldn’t comprehend. Sitting on top of that mount in Boxhill together, admiring that beautiful view in silent. Sharing simple things like real friends do and wishing we could go there again one more time. That’s why it hurts.
Driving through those magical tunnels of overhanging branches embracing and hugging each other on the way there as I sat in the passenger seat when you took those bends, as if you were driving in the Grande Prix. Wind wrestling with my wavy hair as you drove that black convertible Peugeot 206... my dream car I so wished I could drive. My dreams. What and why doesn’t matter any more. Since yesterday, I don’t mind surprises, I’m safe in the knowledge you too know we won’t have any more. Perhaps one day you’ll see why I had to leave like this and forgive the hurt. But I’ll think of you every time my boy wants a hug and secretly wish I could hold you close one more time like I did for the very first time we said goodbye. I’ll shed a quiet tear cos I can’t comfort you any more and wonder if you're feeling the same right now! Tell myself that all good thing will come to an end one day and so I’ll enjoy every precious moment. Love hurts when raw, It will get easier but I can't tell you this, for that would bring on more connection.
A Battle for friendship 15/05/2020
This thread in my inbox goes back 13 years
A request from a friend sits at the top of the list
The one I met at uni which we’ve fallen out since
Asking for advice and you are trying to help
A few random hi’s and a few sharp hellos
Until I was at crisis and somehow you knew
We’ve had lovely deep chats over these years
You’ve been like a teacher and showing me ways
I was afraid to move on and have one of my own
You went on before me against all of the norm
Then messaged me soon as your little one came
Even though your thumb was in terrible pain
You checked on my work and we compared a few stories
My change of career and I spoke of my glories
I saw you content. Filled with utter most joy
I’d seen lots of pictures with you and your boy
It did make me question what I’m missing in life
When I thought I was happy just being a wife
So a boy I too had, that came with a price
Although never natural, as there was a device
You held my hand through as I struggled along
Every day was a battle as he hung on my thong
Then it all went quiet for 5 years or more
I got pretty busy finding mores I adore
Until last year when I suddenly shook
I pondered for a while if I was in your bad book
You were never quite gone, there was a line or a like
And a comment from me when you went for a hike
We picked up a little when you were higher than clouds
A beautiful picture of a lift on the rise
I missed our old chats so I checked out the thread
A revelation arrived that filled me with dread
Your misses she hates me am I friend, or a foe?
Why am I here and needing to know?
So we talked and we talked and we’ve finally arrived
It’s been a long journey as I cried and we smiled
Why did it take us so many years?
For us to face the darkest fears?
A Wonder you said seem to have us on hold
We examined all that’s been with a very fine comb
It’s my turn to give, there is nothing to hold
If you need me I’m here, no longer controlled
Just give me a shout, I‘ve done it before
My career was pending when there wasn't a cure
I went through all sorts and it took me a while
Where there’s a will there’s way, I want you to smile
Trouble ahead 29/06/2020
I knew that you’d be trouble that moment you sat down.
I watched you walk through the door whilst I stood there near around
They hovered all around you, their faces I cannot see
I recall your giggle, your gentle manner but you didn’t notice me
Somehow I had a feeling, I’d met you once before
You reminded me of someone, .. who'd hurt me, long ago
We were forced to worked together a week before I wed
I invited you, n your lady friend but you couldn’t quite attend
Your uncle’s birthday party, you were making him a vid
knew you not...though took it to heart and wish that he was dead
You told me not to marry, that you would never do!
and marriage was for losers, despondent and subdue
Not sure when all those pings arrived, they took me by surprise
I wish that I had looked away or you could compromise
20 years fast forward I find us in this mess
with 3 kids all between us, I wish you would confess
why you sent them all to me and what kept us in touch
There’s plenty peeps, we both do know, don’t you like them very much?
Is it cos they never sent..... a friend request or two?
Was it cos they came and went or hadn't noticed you?
What is it between us? I wish I really knew
You say we’re friends, but are we though? what did we get in to?
I’ve never met your sister nor mum and not even your dad
I’ve never even met the boys the ones you since have had
My friends come over, say hello, I invite them to have lunch
I cook them dinner round my table and never pull a punch
Reflections in a broken mirror 10/05/2020
Lock down 2020, all over the world
We have to stay in, whether young or we’re old
we hadn’t touched base, since late spring,' 15
You’ve been on my mind lately if truth be told
Was it 4 years or 5 since we’ve properly talked?
I'm not sure how it happened, life had us cajoled?
We’ve been through all sorts as our pages unturned
I had something unsaid for the fear of being bold
You’re more than a soul mate, are you thinking the same?
We both do get anxious, on this I am sold
You were destined to travel and ski all that you want.
And me to stay put, take care of …one’s that I hold
I said all this yesterday, as I clumsily spoke
Hope I have not hurt you and that pure heart of gold
I worry and care for those children of yours
They like ones here must be utterly bored
No limits or borders for once in our way
My son has a party as he turns, 9 years old
There’s zoom disco link, would you care to connect?
Or like weddings and 40ths, is this too ..on hold?
Schmuck in the office 11/06/2020
Were you the schmuck from the office or was I?
you made me laugh, but deep down you'd set off a cry.
Entanglement of sorts? Though I wore not your ring!
It started when you sent me that very first ping
I should have ignored it or the few dozen you sent.
How I wish my stupid nature could ignore a request!
fast forward.... two decades we were back to square one
Since It all started out in 2001!
I’ve lost count of ..all those invisible threads
global notice one liners, emails, pictures embed
It’s way overdue, since you left the scene
even gave you a week to wipe the slate clean
You sat on my message for 10 days or more
This is no friendship, it feels too obscure!
Pals care for each other, they don’t play those games
not spy on each other nor question their aims.
My head said there's no other option than letting you go
My heart will agree one day, It’s always been slow.
Imago theory 29/06/2020
Can we start again? if you still call me a friend
realised today, I know nothing of way back then
There’s a hole in our worlds from 4 decades ago
sorry I got caught up in how you'd broken your thumb!
What broke your soul? Was it what also broke mine?
Is that the true reason, our connection is strong?
What did your parents do? Why was it wrong?
What didn’t you want to repeat all along?
How did your story start? Where did they meet?
Were you happy as a kid or when your sis came along?
I heard only one story from someone we know
Never told me yourself, about you as boy
What did you study and did you know why
Why do you think you are so very shy?
What makes you tick and what makes you stay?
Why do you always seem to be going away!
think it’s important if we want to stay friends
I’d like to get to know you all over again.
Is this intrusion or are you ok to talk?
There’s a listening ear if you want to go for that walk!
Was it a judgmental parent as that can do harm!
Were they neglectful, unresponsive, why we chose to whom we belong?
individually we're enough and we can connect.
our friendship's available and its been there all along
But I feel like I don't know this person I've liked
I know we get anxious and we're both too very headstrong!
I know we get hurt and I know we need space
Intrusions are dangerous, inviting an angry ping-pong.
I’ve been working on self love in case you don’t know
Can we work with new boundaries or is my timing all wrong?
17/05/2020
This thread that started
way back
in 2007
why is it here?
there more before
all the way back to 2001
all lost in time
messages in my inbox
deleted
and that ping
invisible even from the second it arrived
but it started it all
and it’s all linked to the pull
I see evidence of it all around
These random souls in my life
A missed bus
A change of route
Meeting a stranger
Who could barely speak my language
My brief case full of cards
some holiday snaps
of her and a family she
was brought together with a digital link
a digital link brought her here from 30 miles away from
where we both reside
but neither of us call it home
We sat in the bus on the ride
And for that half an hour talked
a point and a smile
head shake
a roused brow when
brought on by a naked lady by the pool
who is she?
a man and some children
that weren’t his own
I questioned
Why have we met?
Will I meet that lady in the supermarket and know. Warn her?
Our 30 minutes was over.
She wanted my number
I handed my card over
And thought nothing of it
But she called
Unlike all the others that had taken it before
This jigsaw of life
With pieces
Some fit so obviously
And other you put aside
And build the picture
Each piece leads you to another
And eventually you find wally
For a time you just have to wait
For some other to walk through the door
And fix the edges you thought were fitting nicely
But you had it wrong
You may have picked up the wrong peace and forced it in
And it all looked perfect. Going about your own business
Until you found Wally
And so the search for the wrong one begins
You can get held up or delayed for a bit
you try but nothing is working , so you wait
For someone to walk through the door to help you
Or trust that you just haven’t met them yet
They will come when it’s time and be there
And may just help and leave or come back again and again
Those are the friends we will keep, we call them friendships
Random strangers with a dotted line to you somewhere in the universe going about their own business until they miss a bus or get off at the wrong stop
That’s where you’ll find them
Not all stay, some serve a purpose and leave and others
No matter how hard you try to run, they will find you
The pull, of even more of them around
Bouncing like atoms some positive and some negative that attract
And some neutral that are there to slow you down or speed you up
Only time will decide who will stay and who goes
You can’t force friendships!
May be in another time or a place!
**Not like this** 17/05/2020
My pictures, she didn't want to see them
If only those pings hadn't arrived!
That poem I wrote you
should it have been linked to that photo
was Is it the pull or
a ping?
Look what they've done for the thread!!!
I'm questioning if we should have seen them!
It's not right to have any more....
and our friendship
you can't seem to do without....
I don't think you should be in my life
Not like this
and so I am letting you go
May be in a-nother time......
Just Wait.
What is Respect?
Let's talk about boundaries. They are so important when establishing respect in relationships. They are Key!
We can't build win-win long term relationships unless we understand this. Can we please be mindful that we are trying to do this in a Professional Network? We have all worked in offices, right? How would you speak to your boss? Your peers? What is your motive? Are we respectful towards each other? Or... do we find opportunities to get too personal and invade their comfort zone? Let's all please be mindful of this. Just because you perceive someone saying something don't assume what you heard is even what they said. By all means, ask qualifying questions but when someone has said all they want to say, on a subject matter, accept it.
If you want help in an area on the border of this boundary ask permission and if they say no, please take no for an answer. Saying no comes in many different forms. We need to work out who deserves an explanation and who deserves nothing at all! We are also trying to keep this a positive experience for everyone.
If you don't want to be ignored, and want to feel the positivity of your network whether colleagues, friends or business relationships, do yourself a favour so you are not in that position.
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